When my integration coach said my symptoms were consistent with C-PTSD, I didn't hear anything after that.
I stopped listening after the PTSD part because the only thing I knew about post-traumatic stress disorder was that it was something war veterans were diagnosed with. It didn't resonate.
Sure, I'd had what I now know were emotional flashbacks, but I never had the kind of flashback where I felt like I was re-experiencing a traumatic event in the present time. I had generalized anxiety but didn't have panic attacks. And I rarely got a full night's sleep, so persistent nightmares weren't a problem.
I couldn't relate.
That's because although those of us with C-PTSD can have similar or overlapping symptoms to people with PTSD, each disorder develops from different types of trauma. And C-PTSD includes additional symptoms not associated with a classic PTSD diagnosis.
PTSD vs. C-PTSD
PTSD typically develops from experiencing or witnessing a single traumatic event; a car accident, an assault, or even a natural disaster. Sometimes, PTSD can also develop from "limited duration" traumas, like time spent in combat.
C-PTSD, or Complex PTSD, is the result of years of severe, repetitive physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse, domestic violence, and neglect.
In addition to all the symptoms found in PTSD (depression, anxiety, emotional outbursts, exaggerated startle responses, paranoia, nightmares, and flashbacks), there are many other ways those of us with C-PTSD are likely to experience the effects of our trauma.
Trauma is not what happens to you; trauma is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you. ~Gabor Maté
Distorted Sense of Self
As children, we see ourselves as extensions of our primary caregivers, so we perceive a cause-and-effect relationship between their actions and our very existence. In other words, we see their behavior as our fault. For people with C-PTSD, this core belief is compounded by the fact that the trauma we experienced interrupted us at a critical stage of identity development. Because of that, we see ourselves differently than others see us, which often leads to feelings of shame, guilt, and worthlessness.
Emotional Dysregulation
As complex trauma survivors, we often struggle to manage our emotions or even understand where they're coming from because they don't make sense in the moment. We're constantly dealing with underlying rage and/or persistent feelings of emptiness and detachment from others.
We experience frequent emotional flashbacks - intense emotional reactions disproportionate to the current situation. Emotional flashbacks activate the body's fight-or-flight response, making it even harder to level the intensity.
Interpersonal Problems
Trust issues and feelings of isolation are common among complex trauma survivors, which can interfere with our ability to bond with other people. Although some people with C-PTSD may trust others too easily or unconsciously seek out abusive relationships because it's what they know, others will sabotage or abruptly abandon relationships that are going well.
Inaccurate Perception Of Our Perpetrators
Many complex trauma victims remain transfixed by the part of their abuser that is charming and charismatic, unable to see their manipulative and narcissistic behavior for what it is. These victims hold out hope that if they do things differently, they'll be able to win over their abusers one day.
Other victims feel so consumed by the anger and hatred they feel for their abusers they're unable to experience joy even after they're "free."
And it's not uncommon for these opposing perspectives to shift and morph over time because C-PTSD creates an incongruence between what we understand logically and what we emotionally embody.
C-PTSD...is a learned set of responses, and a failure to complete numerous, important developmental tasks...It is a disorder caused by nurture [or rather lack of it], not nature. ~Pete Walker
I have mixed feelings about my C-PTSD diagnosis. On the one hand, it feels limiting and feeds my tendency to pathologize everything I think, say, and do, so I can search for a “cure.”
On the other hand, finding out I had C-PTSD was liberating in a way. It provided some context for many of the things about myself I didn't understand. Learning there wasn't something inherently wrong with me was a relief.
I'm not a broken person who needs to be fixed. I just happened to have a lot of bad shit happen to me early in life, and I developed some coping mechanisms that made it possible to survive it all.
If you’re looking for a couple of resources on complex trauma and C-PTSD, I highly recommend these two books:
COMPLEX PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker
When The Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress by Dr. Gabor Maté
As I read this, suddenly my eyes became unexpectedly transfixed on how the abused become the abusers in an endless cycle of violence. The endless emotional dysregulation that results becomes the chaos and pain of lifetimes. And then, someone like you suffering through this cycle, breaks it and shows others a way, not toward perfection (its striving for its own violence) but toward ease, inner freedom, and self-acceptance, long deserved and yearned for. I also kept thinking how liberating it would be for a world of others to understand this C-PTSD/PTSD distinction. May your audience grow fast!
Thank you for sharing this. I think you might like looking at Dr. Veronica Mead's work on trauma and its relationship to chronic illness. She compiles a lot of research on her website, a lot of it driven by her own need to understand her late diagnosis of ME/CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome.) https://chronicillnesstraumastudies.com