My birthday used to be one of the hardest days of the year for me. As much as I secretly envied my friends who could celebrate the entire month of their birth with unabashed joy, May 29th was an annual reminder of my motherlessness.
My birthdays made me sad as a kid because they were either barely acknowledged or ruined by one of my mother's vodka-induced tirades (like the year she got plastered and stumbled into my sleepover to scream at me and yank me out of the party for no reason.)
Some years I might've gotten a small gift, but no birthday parties with homemade cakes were thrown in my honor. Those things were for other kids, and I was jealous as hell because they represented my longing for a mom who was happy I was born.
As I got older, I tucked that longing away because there was so much shame around it. And the origin of that shame was that I didn't feel like I deserved to be here.
There's such an emptiness in moving through life that way. Even when I did receive love, kindness, or compassion, I couldn't integrate and absorb it. I was like a cup with a hole at the bottom.
This year felt different. I didn't have all kinds of mixed emotions when May came. I was actually looking forward to my birthday. I even ordered myself a fancy birthday cake from Williams Sonoma.
New phone, who dis?
When I woke up the other day, I thought, it's my birthday weekend...I'm gonna do whatever I want! I told Steve my idea to ditch our chores and rattled off a list of things I wanted to do over the weekend.
Our adventures included cappuccinos and scones at a local coffee shop, a drive to the seacoast, a late lunch overlooking the water, the movies, dinner with friends (that they planned just for me), and a family BBQ.
There were stories, laughs, great food, and gifts, but the best part was being surrounded by people who are happy I was born and being able to fully embrace their love.
Happy Birthday, Christy! Happy Celebration of You! What I love about this vignette into your birthday celebration is that it's so very honest. And . . . " but the best part was being surrounded by people who are happy I was born." Yea.
I fully relate. And I now hold week-long birthday festivals for myself every year! Hurray for us!