Hey friends,
This week I’m excited to share an interview with one of my friends in the online business world about her experience with ketamine-assisted therapy. Ketamine treatment is legal in the United States, but because we also talk about the use of MDMA, which isn’t (yet), my friend requested I use a pseudonym to protect her privacy.
My hope is that one day soon, psychedelics (besides ketamine) will be a legal option for treatment everywhere, and there won’t be a stigma attached to choosing them as a tool for healing.
Much Love,
Christy
Christy: Can you talk about your relationship to trauma and how you struggled before trying ketamine-assisted therapy?
Isabelle: I know you're not really supposed to compare trauma, but I always feel a little weird using that word to describe my experience. There was no physical abuse in my home, so when I hear stories about what others have gone through, I think I didn't have it that bad.
When I was fifteen, I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and in my early thirties, I found out I had ADHD. I've since learned that depression and anxiety often accompany ADHD.
When I was diagnosed with depression, we knew what that was, but no one really talked about having anxiety. I guess back then, I would've said I was worried a lot of the time. I was a worrier, which, in hindsight, I recognize as anxiety.
After working with my current life coach and talking more about my relationship with my mother, I realized that the family dynamic in our household was such that my father catered to my mom and expected my sister and me to do that as well. What's that saying? 'Happy wife, happy life?'
A lot of times, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to act, what I was supposed to say. There weren't huge consequences for making the wrong choice, but I would often be made to feel guilty, get the silent treatment, or my mom would shut herself in her room and cry. Meanwhile, my Dad would be angry at me and tell me it was my fault.
I never really considered those things trauma because I wasn't physically abused; nobody called me names. But I was always on edge because I never knew how to please my parents and constantly worried about upsetting them.
I see some of the same situations play out with my partner. I'll question when he says he's okay with something, and he'll say, "Trust what I'm telling you." But growing up, my parents would say something was okay, and then they'd be passive-aggressive toward me because it really wasn't okay.
It felt like I suddenly fell into this pile of shit I couldn't get out of, no matter how hard I tried, so I became a people pleaser. Instead of focusing on my needs, I focused on other people, how they felt, and what they needed. I walked around trying not to do anything that would upset anyone or make them mad at me, and it was exhausting.
Christy: What made you choose ketamine-assisted therapy to treat your depression and anxiety instead of another psychedelic medicine?
Isabelle: My first experience with psychedelics was microdosing psilocybin. At the time, I was on birth control, ADHD medication, and antidepressants and was experiencing weird hot flashes and what I thought were panic attacks, but I wasn't sure. My son was six months old at the time, so I knew my hormones were still readjusting, but something felt off.
So, I went to a workshop about microdosing and decided I wanted to clear my system of all the prescriptions I was on and try it. It can be dangerous to stop those medications cold turkey, so I weaned myself off of all of them (without my doctor's permission) and started microdosing.
I haven't gone back to taking any of those medications since, but I've had some dips. Last Christmas, I was struggling with some depression again and was planning to see my doctor because I thought I might need to start taking Wellbutrin again. When I spoke to my coach about it, she suggested I look into an online ketamine-assisted therapy program called Mind Bloom.
Because microdosing had been such a great tool for stabilizing my depression for so long, I was open to trying ketamine. Especially if it meant avoiding the cocktail of prescription drugs I was taking before.
My only hesitation was that the cost was around $1200-$1500 for six treatments, which seemed a little pricey and was not covered by insurance. But when I started adding up the actual cost of going back on antidepressants - visits to a therapist, appointments with my doctor, and paying for the prescription - the ketamine treatment plan was more cost-effective. And it would allow me to feel better a lot faster.
Christy: How much did the fact that ketamine is legal play into your decision?
Isabelle: As a mom with young kids, that part was definitely important to me. I mean, I've used MDMA with my partner to work through some of our issues, and we've been to counseling in the past...marriage is hard. We all have difficult things from our childhoods that we bring into our relationships, and MDMA helped us talk honestly about those things and figure out better ways to support each other.
I suppose I could've used MDMA for my [depression], but it felt too risky because it's not legal.
Also, an MDMA session takes about four hours. Taking the time to plan for that so I have the time I need isn't always practical as a parent of young kids. On the MindBloom website, I learned that a ketamine session only lasts thirty minutes to an hour, so I figured it would be something I could do after we put the kids to bed.
Christy: A few other companies and private practitioners offer ketamine-assisted therapy both virtually and in person. You chose MindBloom, which is done online. Can you explain the treatment process?
Isabelle: With MindBloom, you do the treatments at home and meet with a doctor and a guide online. I felt very well cared for and supported throughout the process.
The first step was to fill out an application on their website, and then I met with a counselor [via Zoom] to determine if I was a candidate. Once I was accepted into the program, the doctor took some information to figure out my first dose, and they mailed me the medicine.
For the first session, I had to meet with my guide before taking the ketamine and then again after the session was over. Our first meeting was all about what to expect, getting my space ready, setting an intention, and making sure I had someone to check on me every few minutes (my partner was there.) My guide also helped me take my blood pressure with the cuff they sent me.
During the meeting after the first session, my guide checked in with my partner to make sure everything went well, and then we talked about what I experienced during the session.
I didn't have to meet with the guide before and after all six sessions, but they used the information they gathered about the first session to make sure everything was working the way it was supposed to and establish the proper dose.
After the initial session, I scheduled all my upcoming sessions with my guide so she knew when I was taking the ketamine and was available for text support.
MindBloom also offers online integration circles for clients. It's like virtual group therapy...you can just hop on a Zoom call and talk to other people going through the program. I went to a few of those as well.
Christy: What does it feel like to be under the influence of ketamine?
Isabelle: My first experience was very colorful. I know I mentioned the stuff with my mom earlier, but I've also struggled with body image my whole life, so the intention I set before my first session was to feel that I am good enough and to be nicer to myself.
[During the session] I saw this wheel with all these photos of me throughout the years...I'm crying just thinking about it, but what I saw was that I've been the same person. Whether I've been bigger or smaller, it's still just me, and it was a really beautiful experience of just embracing that.
But, according to my guide, you're not really supposed to get visuals like that. I guess that's not the point or the most effective means of treatment, so they increased my dose.
The rest of my sessions weren't like that at all. There were no visuals. It felt like being completely relaxed and separate from my emotions. It’s almost like you're sleeping but semiconscious at the same time.
Christy: What's changed for you as a result of working with ketamine?
Isabelle: There was a moment early on in my treatment when I was out shopping with my daughter, and I was tired and stressed and overreacted to her dropping something while I was driving. She was upset because she couldn't reach it since she was strapped in, and I blew up a little bit.
I'm really good at apologizing to my kids when I make a mistake, so I stopped the car and said, "Hey, I'm sorry. I don't know why I got so mad that you dropped that. I'm just stressed out because we have so many things to do today."
She got it; she was fine. And I do that all the time. I'm not afraid to apologize to my kids, but I will often beat myself up relentlessly about what happened, and I'm not able to forgive myself.
But this time was different. At that moment, when my daughter forgave me for snapping, I realized that I'm human and I make mistakes, and I was able to forgive myself. That was huge. That's when I realized the ketamine was working. It made it possible for me to see that there were other options than just seeing myself as a terrible mom because I snapped at my kid.
I'm so much more compassionate and empathetic toward myself now. I don't think that was my goal exactly, but it's made a huge difference in all of our lives.
Thank you so much for this interview. I have such a clearer picture of this treatment now and especially appreciate it’s ability to “offer our brain” options and perspective outside the old ruts.