I've done many destructive things to my body over the years under the pretense of getting healthy. I've restricted calories and entire food groups, over-exercised, spent thousands on coaches, nutritionists, and trainers, and taken various supplements and stimulants. I even had lap band surgery - which resulted in zero pounds lost, and another surgery to remove the lap band after years of complications.
I know these behaviors are mainly cultural and not specific to those of us who have experienced trauma, but for me, the obsession with shrinking my body was directly related.
It's complicated (and I'm sure I haven't figured it out yet). But the CliffsNotes version is this: my inability to lose weight after having kids reinforced my belief that I was ugly and unlovable because my body was no longer an appropriate size. Becoming overweight didn't cause the shame I felt about my body; it just confirmed that I deserved to feel ashamed because our society devalues overweight bodies. Especially women's overweight bodies.
I was brainwashed into thinking it was my primary responsibility to change my body in order to make it more acceptable. And that was fine with me because trying to beat it into submission was a welcome distraction from the real reasons I carried so much shame.
During one of my MDMA sessions, I learned that the physical and sexual abuse I suffered as a child caused me to form the unconscious belief that having a smaller body was unsafe and even repulsive. After all, something had to be wrong with the small body I inhabited if my abusers wanted to misuse it as a container for their own pain.
I eventually dealt with those beliefs the only way I knew how; by adding a literal buffer to protect myself. But I never saw the relationship between the abuse and my weight. I thought I was mostly okay because I hadn’t suppressed what happened to me. As if having access to those memories meant there was nothing to heal.
I admit I still want to release the excess weight I’m carrying, but it's not because I believe there's anything wrong with my body in its current form. I won't go so far as to say I love my body the way it is, but I am grateful for it and hold no judgment toward it. I just don't need the buffer anymore.
But rather than trying to lose weight, I'm working to build a better relationship with my body. That means tuning into the signals it sends me about what to eat, how to move, and when to rest. If that leads to weight loss, great. If not, I’ll be okay. I am okay.
One of the things I'm doing that feels really good right now is Reformer Pilates.
I took Pilates years ago and liked it, but I quit after a few lessons because it "wasn't hard enough." I was convinced I had to punish myself with workouts that left me injured and burnt out for days afterward.
I wanted to give it another shot, but I had to get over the idea that Reformer Pilates is only for almond moms (I’m not about to give up gluten or join the cult of Lululemon.) Finding this account on Instagram encouraged me to try it again.
I’ve been going to class twice a week for just over two months now, and I've already noticed a lot of little changes. My joints aren't stiff when I wake up anymore. I haven't had to have dry needling on my knee and shoulder for weeks, and I can move easily throughout the day for the first time in years.
There's a lot to focus on in Pilates: core stabilization, connecting your breath to the movement, and engaging the muscles you're working. It's a meditation of sorts.
I can’t get through a series of movements without being in my body in the moment, so I'm learning to notice the cause-and-effect relationship between what I do and how I feel physically.
Best of all, instead of needing a nap to recover, I feel energized when I leave class.
What about you? What are you doing that feels really good right now? I’d love to know!
If you’re interested in learning more about Pilates, you might want to check out Jessica Valant. She’s a PT and Pilates instructor, and she shares a lot of basic exercises you can do at home with little to no equipment. I get nothing for recommending her; I just think she has a lot of helpful (free) content.